Helping Your Child Through Bereavement: Supporting Them When Someone They Love Has Died
When someone important dies, it changes the world for everyone who loved them.
As adults, we often expect grief to look a certain way – sadness, tears, talking about memories or withdrawing from others.
But children grieve very differently.
Their understanding of death changes as they grow, and their emotions often come in small waves rather than one overwhelming tide. One moment they may be crying because they miss their grandad, and the next they may be laughing at a silly joke or asking what's for dinner.
This can feel confusing for adults, but it doesn't mean they didn't love the person or that they aren't grieving. It simply reflects the way children's brains and emotions process difficult experiences.
There is no "right" way to grieve, and every child's journey will be unique.
How Children Experience Grief
Children often move in and out of grief. They may revisit their feelings repeatedly as they reach different stages of development and begin to understand death in new ways.
You might notice your child:
Asking the same questions over and over again.
Seeming unaffected one day and deeply upset the next.
Becoming clingier than usual.
Showing anger or frustration rather than sadness.
Worrying about other people dying.
Struggling to concentrate at school.
Becoming quieter or withdrawing from others.
Expressing their feelings through play, drawing or storytelling rather than talking.
Some children won't talk about the person who has died at all. Others may mention them every day. Both responses can be completely normal.
Ways You Can Support Your Child
Although you can't take away their grief, your love, honesty and consistency can help them feel safe enough to navigate it.
Be honest...
Use clear, simple language.
It can feel kinder to say someone has "gone to sleep" or has "gone away", but these phrases can be confusing or frightening for children. They may begin to fear going to sleep themselves or expect the person to come back.
Instead, explain that the person's body has stopped working and they have died, using language that is appropriate for your child's age and understanding.
Let them ask questions...
Children are naturally curious and may ask questions that feel surprising or repetitive.
Answer honestly, even if the answer is simply:
"I don't know."
It's perfectly okay not to have all the answers.
Follow their lead...
Some days they may want to talk about the person constantly. Other days they may want to play football, watch cartoons or build Lego. Both are healthy.
Allow them permission to experience joy alongside sadness.
Keep routines where possible...
Life can feel very uncertain after a bereavement.
Maintaining familiar routines such as bedtime, school and family meals helps children feel secure during a time when so much has changed.
Name feelings...
Children often need help understanding what they're experiencing.
You might say:
"It looks like you're feeling really sad today."
or
"Sometimes people feel angry when someone dies. That's okay too."
Naming emotions helps children understand that all feelings are welcome.
Special Ways to Remember Someone
Keeping memories alive can be incredibly comforting.
You could:
Create a memory box filled with photographs, letters and meaningful keepsakes.
Make a scrapbook together.
Plant a tree, flowers or a favourite plant in their memory.
Light a candle on birthdays or anniversaries.
Cook their favourite meal together.
Write letters or draw pictures for the person who has died.
Look through photographs and share happy stories.
Listen to music that reminds you of them.
Visit a place that was special to them.
Make a donation or take part in an activity that honours their memory.
Remembering someone doesn't stop us moving forward. It helps us carry them with us in a different way.
What to Say (and What Not to Say)
When a child is grieving, it's natural to worry about saying the wrong thing. The truth is, your presence matters far more than finding the perfect words.
Helpful things to say...
"I'm here with you."
"It's okay to feel however you're feeling."
"Would you like to tell me about them?"
"What do you miss most?"
"You can ask me anything."
"We can remember them together."
"You don't have to pretend to be okay."
Try to avoid saying...
"They're in a better place." (This can be confusing depending on a child's age or beliefs.)
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Be brave."
"Don't cry."
"You need to stay strong."
"At least they lived a long life."
"You'll get over it."
These phrases are usually intended to comfort but can unintentionally make children feel they should hide or minimise their feelings.
Instead, acknowledge that what has happened is incredibly hard.
Sometimes the simplest words are the most powerful:
"I'm so sorry."
Remember to Care for Yourself Too
Supporting a grieving child while grieving yourself is one of the hardest things a parent can do.
You don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay for your child to see you cry. It shows them that sadness is a natural part of love and loss.
Take time to look after yourself too. Accept offers of help, speak to friends or family, and seek support if you need it. Looking after your own wellbeing allows you to be more emotionally available for your child.
You are not expected to have all the answers. Just being there, listening and loving them is often exactly what they need.
When Extra Support May Help
Grief has no timetable, and there is no "normal" length of time for a child to mourn. However, if your child seems overwhelmed by their grief for a prolonged period, becomes increasingly withdrawn, anxious, angry or unable to enjoy everyday life, they may benefit from additional emotional support.
Having a safe, nurturing space away from home and school can help children make sense of their emotions, express feelings they may struggle to put into words and begin to build coping strategies at their own pace.
If your family is navigating the loss of someone special and you're wondering how best to support your child, I'm here to talk things through with you.
Sometimes, one conversation can help you feel more confident about the next steps. If your child would benefit from therapeutic support, we can explore together how a safe, creative space may help them process their grief in a way that feels right for them.
